Day 2,568 of my mental breakdown. Kidding, it’s been less than a week, but time works different in this hazy wilderness and there are times I forget when I am.
I saw him today. The one I disappointed. The one who decided I was no longer worth his time. The one who gave up on me.
Never did I think I would say that about this man. When we first met we just “got” each other. We had an understanding of each other’s personalities that allowed us to instantly have inside jokes and I felt blessed to be one of the “special” one’s he gave his attention to. Maybe the root is my “daddy issues”. Maybe it’s my need for approval from anyone I look up to. Maybe it’s just fucking dumb luck.
Regardless the way it happened, he became a very important person in my life, very quickly. He invited me to his family’s Thanksgiving. I helped with a family project on my free time because I wanted to just help him and be around him.
I saw him today. And nothing. No sympathy. No empathy. Just cold. Corporate.
Am I justified in this hurt or should I have expected it? Was it my expectations to get “me” from him? Was it my need to be treated like a family… friend…. human verses an expendable employee?
What was lies and what was truth?
“They’ll have to send me away if they ever fire you cause I’ll be too upset.”
“Let’s be each other’s safe place in these walls.”
“You’re the only one that can talk me off my ledge in this place.”
“If I force you to come in and it blows up in your face I’ll be with you in the trenches.”
The funniest part of this entire situation is that I’m not even mad or upset with how corporate he has to be or doesn’t have to be. What I’m most upset with is that on a day to day basis we set aside labels or expectations and naturally flowed between friends and colleagues, but when my shit literally hit the fan, neither my colleague nor my friend were anywhere in sight.
All it would take is a simple, “Hey, how you doing buddy?” and all would be forgiven, but if I’ve learned anything from this dark world, it’s that people are struggling hard enough for their own air to care if you are drowning right next to them.
I’m not sure what to do with these emotions. I can’t resolve them and I can’t express them to the one person I need to. So I sit here feeling betrayed by just another man in my life.
I think the only thing I can hope is that one day we wake up to the fact that no one has it figured out and the only way we make it through is with each other. So if you are going to be in someone’s life, be in someone’s life. Otherwise, don’t waste their time, there’s not enough to waste.